Tis the Season

Christmas festivities are the best. Family and cookies and decorated trees and wrapping paper and the music. I love it all. The best part is that, because I have split families, I get to celebrate my second favorite holiday for several days.

This year the merriment started on Sunday with my dad’s side of the family. Although I live pretty close to most of them, I don’t see them very often. So any time we are all together is special to me. My cousin Brandon brought a few of my aunts to tears with his reading of a poem about Sandy Hook, and I loved having my uncle Brian praying over our family.

Later that night, my sisters and I came home to unwrap presents with Mom. Stockings are always my favorite part. It’s fun to see what little things Mom puts in them. After opening presents we finished up some cookies for the next day.

Christmas Eve as long as I can remember has always been spent at my grandparents’ house in Fox Lake. That side of the family is a crazy mix of fun and inappropriate and it makes for interesting holiday get-togethers. I love every single one of those goofballs.

Finally, I celebrated Christmas Day in West Allis with my step-family. Mamms has been sick lately, so it was nice to spend time with her and see her all dolled up. Even the puppies got dressed up for the occasion!

I love thinking about the wonderful family I am surrounded with. Many of my favorite memories are of holidays with them. So I know it’s important after reflecting on these Christmas celebrations to thank God for blessing me with this family, for welcoming me into His family, and for the gift of His son.

Happy Holidays, lovelies.

Snow Day

Breaking News: It's SNOWING!

Okay, so that's not really breaking news, but it is pretty exciting. My hometown has seen at least 10" since late last night and it's still going. I literally shoveled snow off of my car this morning and even after that there's no way I will be leaving the house at all today.

Instead, I have spent the day in a giant sweater, curled up in bed reading. This is exactly what I was looking forward to during those last tense weeks of the semester. Now that the academic reading is behind me, I can actually read for fun. That's right. Reading. For fun.

A couple of months ago I picked up some books for Goodwill (let's be real, I buy books every time I go to Goodwill). Among those books was One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. So in these last weeks of December this is what I will be reading.

By the way, if you are ever interested in what I am reading, you can follow me on Goodreads. :)

Until next week,

Swim

You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

-Jack's Mannequin

Quick Update

The semester is almost over *cue simultaneous sobbing and celebration*. While I have officially dubbed last week “Hell Week,” this one and the next are looking much easier. That would be great, except I now have to fight the urge to slack off. You know, it’s pretty easy to justify melting an evergreen candle, reading Gatsby, and drinking coffee all afternoon when I don’t have a whole lot due.

That’s not to say that life is completely stress-free at the moment. I have a massive financial deadline looming over my head, with $575 due in just nine days. Yikes. The devil is pretty clearly using this as an opportunity to get under my skin. I’ll find myself doubting my call and believing I’m a burden to my family. I’m choosing not to buy into it which, of course, is easier said than done. It has been so helpful to stay in the Word, to ask for prayer, and to have a guy like Adam who speaks truth over me.

That being said, the donations are coming in slowly and doors of financial opportunity have been opened for me. I know I’m not alone in this and I know I serve a big God who works all things together for my good.

I can’t guarantee an update next week as I will be finishing my last final and checking out of the dorms, but keep an eye out.

Blessings.

A New Language

For the past month (okay, the past year), I have found it really difficult to write. Journaling, blogging, creative writing: it has all seemed forced and dry and just, well, not good. No matter how long I sit in front of the computer, no matter how much I try to discipline myself to write every day or even once a week for that matter, I still come up with nothing. As someone who used to benefit emotionally from writing, this has been an incredibly frustrating time. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why my inspiration had seemed to dry up, why words no longer flooded my brain like they used to. But I think I figured it out today.

                In the last year, my life has undergone a dramatic shift. In the past my story has been marked by struggles, both personally and relationally. Personally in the form of depression and feelings of inadequacy, and relationally in the form of family issues and fear of social interaction. But things have changed and in the last year I have found healing and happiness. In this time I have been depression-free, I have learned how to love myself, I have found stability in relationships, and I am seeing the world as a brighter place.

As I was reading for class I came across this passage. “Language is the way we create worlds; it’s what we do to make a culture, whether that is North American culture or the culture of a local church or denominational system. When we suddenly find ourselves in this confusing new space, the language that had worked so well to this point no longer matches the reality around us. We are disoriented and confused. In this new space we need time and processes to help us begin to articulate what we are experiencing in order to develop the language we need to make sense of where we find ourselves”  (Introducing the Missional Church, pg. 142). And suddenly it all made sense.

I don’t have a language for happiness. I know how to express fear, anxiety, and confusion, but I don’t know how to talk about contentment and joy and love. Writing used to be so simple because I knew how to talk about pain and darkness. I knew how to describe the heavy-headedness of depression and exhaustion. But I don’t know how to talk about triumph and optimism. I don’t know how to describe Mia’s laugh or the way Adam makes me feel. I don’t have a language for this new place in my life and that’s why writing is so hard for me right now.

I Am Smart (Among Other Things)

Today in Interpersonal Skills Training group we talked about things that others like about us and things we have a hard time accepting in ourselves or others. One of the things I mentioned is that it is hard for me to accept failure. I am always pushing myself to do better. A "B" is never good enough. Jaime asked where that came from. To be honest, I'm not sure. So that's what I attempted to work through tonight as I journaled.

What will straight As and/or a high GPA give me? And advantage if/when I apply to grad schools. Good standing in the Honor’s Program. That’s it. Grades do not guarantee success. Grades do not guarantee a high paying job. They do not guarantee a happy life.

How will my family and friends view me if I only got Bs from here on out? They would still think I am smart. They will still love me. They will still think I am worth their time. I will still have a place to stay and people with whom I can watch movies.

Being intelligent is part of my identity, but it is not my entire identity. Who am I? I am patient. I am funny. I am responsible. I am a good listener. I am a daughter and a sister. I am a girlfriend and a best friend. I am a caregiver and a small group leader. I am a reader and a writer and a music lover and a dreamer. I am loved by God, my family, and my friends.

At times it feels like I will only be liked if I have something to offer. If I am not smart, I am not special. Take away my grades and there’s nothing left that you would be interested in. Are these things true? Do I actually believe this? Where do these lies come from?

The only way to overcome lies is to focus on the truth. This is what I know to be true: the God of the universe loves me deeply and there is nothing I can do to earn it or deserve it. Any intelligence I have is a gift from God. It did not come about by my power, but I can be a good steward of that gift. Failure is never final. I will never be perfect. There will always be someone smarter than me. My family loves me because I am me. I am valuable. I have something to offer others. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved unconditionally. These things I know to be true.

“Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.”

We Spoke of Heavy Things

Sometimes I get such beautiful glimpses of what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like. Today in my Interpersonal Skills Training small group, we shared emotional stories. These were stories that were hard to talk about, memories that were painful to recall. We were transparent and vulnerable. We let each other see through the cracks in our armor to the soft flesh underneath. We spoke of heavy things.

Normally that kind of vulnerability is scary to me. As someone who takes empathy way too far, I tend to feel what others are feeling, and many times that leaves me feeling overwhelmed. When there is too much transparency in a room, I pull back. I shrink under the weight of such heavy emotions. But today was different. I was able to listen to stories of hurt and respond, even if that response was to simply sit and share the weight of that emotion. Sometimes that is all that is needed. I don’t always need someone to address my problems and help me find solutions. Sometimes I just want someone who will sit and share the weight with me. Someone who chooses to feel even a tiny percentage of what I am feeling. And we were able to do that for each other today. It was different from what I am used to, but in such a significant way. Because this felt more real. It felt good to talk about the dark things, the hard things. It felt good to share in each other’s burdens.

I think that’s part of what Christian community is supposed to look like. As a result of that small group experience, I realized that was the kind of interaction and conversation I want to have in all of my relationships. I want to be surrounded by the kind of people who value vulnerability as a stepping stone to growth. I want to have the kind of relationships that leave room for talking about brokenness. I crave that kind of raw honesty. And I see now how blessed I am to be in the kind of environment that fosters those relationships. And that is a beautiful glimpse of the Body.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

In 1 Samuel 7, Samuel cries out to the Lord on behalf of the Israelites, asking Him to rescue them from the Philistines. With “loud thunder,” the Lord stirs the Philistines right into the path of the Israelites, where Samuel and his people are finally able to find victory over their enemies. In response to this, Samuel sets a stone in the road, naming it Ebenezer and proclaiming, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” He establishes this stone as a visual reminder for the Israelites of God’s power, faithfulness, and mercy. He didn't want them to forget.

                Maybe I ought to raise my own Ebenezer stone. I don’t ever want to forget what the Lord has done for me. I want to remember the ways in which He has been faithful and merciful. I want to recall the ways He has saved me and healed me. Right here, right now, I want to call out some of the countless encounters I have had with the Lord who helps.

                The Lord Jesus Christ took my sins upon His shoulders and died for my salvation. The Lord has loved me even when I did not love myself. The Lord has gracefully carried me through times of death and divorce. The Lord has delivered me from the grip of depression. The Lord has provided the means for me to attend a Christian school. The Lord has driven out my anxiety and replaced it with His peace. The Lord has blessed me with a supportive family who chooses to see the best in me. The Lord has replaced my old, jealous heart with a new, compassionate heart. The Lord has taken me from fear of the future to hope for the future. The Lord has given me the capacity to learn and absorb. The Lord has humbled me by putting me in positions of leadership for which I did not feel equipped. The Lord has gifted me with encouragement, faith, and mercy. The Lord has led me to repentance. The Lord has led me to forgive those who have hurt me. The Lord has spoken to me. The Lord has called me His daughter. The Lord has held me close in times of loneliness. The Lord has brought me to this place.

                So here I raise my Ebenezer and loudly proclaim, “Thus far the Lord has helped me.”

Don't Let These Waves Wash Away Your Hopes

WOODEN HEART (sea of mist called skaidan)

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts
we all have the same holes in our hearts...
everything falls apart at the exact same time
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric
shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because our church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

From Hurricane to Harbor

Some days I look in the mirror and I can’t believe I am here. I can’t believe I got this far. I think of the girl I was in 8th grade and how many nights I literally wanted to die. I think of the comments I received about my weight in high school. I think of the person I was my freshman year of college, depressed and afraid to get out of bed. I think of all the nightmares that have plagued me my entire life.

And then I think about the last twelve months. I have been free from depression. I have begun to view my body positively. I haven’t had a nightmare in months. I am gaining confidence and people are recognizing my potential. I am at a school that I love, majoring in a subject that is close to my heart. I am in a relationship with someone who cares for me and makes me view life differently.

I can’t believe I am here. I still can’t believe I got this far.

Goodbye Hiatus (Hopefully)

I haven't posted anything since May, not because nothing has been happening in my life, but because writing became somewhat difficult for me this summer. I had a hard time putting words to my feelings and experiences. But I think things are starting to get back to normal (whatever that may be), and so I'm going to attempt to bring this blog back to life.

That might mean posts about what I'm learning academically, how I am developing spiritually, things I am doing, things I am reading, and things I find beautiful and inspiring. I by no means have this blogging thing figured out, as much as my friends would like to think I do, but I'm willing to give it what I have. Maybe this will be read, maybe it won't. Either way, writing makes me feel good. It is the best way I know how to express myself, and it has always been a healthy outlet for me. Here we go.

No Thanks, Tom Petty

“You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You’ll never remember class time, but you’ll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don’t have. Drink ‘til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does…” –Tom Petty

I read this quote for the first time on Pinterest. It had been repinned by a handful of people I follow, and I can only assume it’s because they thought Mr. Petty had some great advice. I, however, couldn’t help but shake my head in complete disagreement.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why this quote is appealing. I’m growing up in a generation that lives by mottos such as No Regrets and YOLO (you only live once). The idea is that life is something to be enjoyed, and if you’re not happy then you’re wasting your time. I’m not saying there’s anything inherently wrong about the pursuit of happiness. I am saying that when happiness, comfort, and entertainment become our goals in life, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment and possibly even failure.

Now I’m working on the assumption that college is meant to prepare you for the future. It’s a time in which you learn the theories and practice the skills you will need to be successful in your chosen career. It’s a time in which you begin to make adult decisions and start to live independently. If you choose to follow Tom Petty’s advice and be “irresponsible” for your four or more years of college, you are setting yourself up to be irresponsible in your career and your decisions post-graduation. If you stay out late, you sleep through class. If you go out on Tuesday when you have a paper due Wednesday, you get a poor grade on the paper. If you spend money you don’t have, you get into debt (on top of the debt you’ll already have from student loans). If you drink until sunrise, you go to class with a hangover (if you decide to go to class at all). When these things are done consistently through your time in college, they become habitual. The things you practice become part of your life.

Furthermore, I would argue that work isn’t just for people with jobs. It’s for people who want jobs too. Petty says you’ll never remember class time? If you’re staying out late and drinking until sunrise of course you’re not going to remember class. I really hope the people who follow this advice aren’t having their parents pay for their education. If you want to spend money, drink recklessly, and neglect your school work, you better be paying for your own education because I’d hate to see you waste someone else’s money.

Fortunately, not all of my generation thinks this way. There are still plenty of us who believe that hard work pays off and that education is something to be taken seriously. I go to school with a lot of young adults who have a great work ethic and a determination to prepare for their future. These students have social lives and know how to have fun. They believe that life is enjoyable, but they understand that there is a time for work and a time for play. It is those people who give me hope that my generation doesn’t have to give in to instant gratification and that we can still be a generation of positive world-changers. Tom Petty is right; the work never ends, but college does. So I’m going to make sure I use those four years in the best way possible.

If you want to read another response to Tom Petty’s quote, visit http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1209793/an-open-letter-to-tom-petty-from-a-guy-who-took-his-college-quote-way-too-literally

"Courage, dear heart."

I’m considering getting these words tattooed somewhere on my body. They come from C.S. Lewis’s “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader,” whispered to Lucy by Aslan when the ship is making its way through the darkness where nightmares become reality. When I read this scene, I was struck by how similar this Dark Island was to my depression. How, just like Lucy, I couldn’t see light anywhere in the darkness. What got me through was the realization that I needed to have some amount of courage. Not some loud, roaring courage, but the whispering kind. The kind that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.” And as soon as I learned to cling to that small piece of courage, I could see some light. Just like Lucy, I made it out. Should I ever return to that place, I want those words to remind me of the courage that comes from the whispers of my God.