The Chronicles of Narnia and a Serbian Proverb

Sometimes I need to be reminded of this:

"You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve," said Aslan. "And that is both honor enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

Five Weeks at Phantom Ranch -Week 5

For my final week as PRBC 2011 staff, I counseled 8 high school girls. Going into the week I was nervous. I thought that because the age difference between me and my campers wasn’t all that significant the girls might not respect me. I was worried that I wouldn’t have the energy to keep up or the patience to handle the heavy emotional baggage that can come with teenage girls. As usual, God provided for me. I had the most wonderful group of campers who truly had hearts for the Lord and for each other. This last week of camp turned out to be encouraging, exciting, and a growing experience for the entire cabin.

                I wouldn’t say that there were any key lessons I took away from this week, but rather it was a confirmation of my calling. Since I felt God first call me to youth/children’s ministry I’ve been excited, but underneath that excitement was a little bit of anxiety. At this point in my life, I feel so unprepared and unequipped to be a leader in that way. However, over the summer, and especially during this last week of counseling, I’ve felt so reassured that this is where the Lord means for me to be. I realize that I don’t have to go into ministry being fully prepared, but rather that He will teach me what I need along the way. As they say, God doesn’t just call the equipped, He equips the called.

How you can be praying this week: Praise God for my camper who rededicated her life to Christ Wednesday night. Ask Him to continue to work in the lives of the students and that they would in turn seek after Him. Give praise for the wonderful counselors who selflessly gave their time and energy this summer for a great cause. Pray that He would pour out blessings upon them. Finally, pray that my love would continue to abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight (Phil 1:9) over the rest of my summer and the rest of my life.

                I would love to share more of the exciting things that have happened at Phantom Ranch, so don’t be afraid to ask. Thank you so much for staying plugged into my blog this summer as I’ve documented this adventure. Thanks also for the prayers and encouragement. It’s been a beautiful ride, but this ship is heading back to harbor for the next two weeks before setting out on another adventure (sophomore year). Peace and blessings.

“To know Christ and to make Him known.”

Five Weeks at Phantom Ranch -Week 4

This week I was on dish crew again. It was refreshing to have a break after two weeks of pouring myself out physically, emotionally, and spiritually for my campers. If I’m being completely honest, it was also a huge blessing to work in an air conditioned building during one of the hottest weeks of the summer. Even with three weeks of Phantom Ranch experience under my belt, God made it clear that He still had a very lengthy lesson plan for me and my remaining time here.

Lesson 1: There is a purpose for my singleness.

                Last summer I read “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy and it dramatically changed the way I looked at guy/girl relationships. I read it again this week and, once again, my perspectives have been changed. I’ll be writing another post about it in more detail soon, but basically I have committed to not dating for a year. I feel that I have been called to pursue a deeper relationship with Christ, and that this season of singleness will allow me to remain more focused on Him. Hopefully this will be a time of devoted service, immense growth, and a relentless pursuit of the One rather than “the one.”

Lesson 2: God is romancing me.

                This lesson hit home for me as I read the book “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” by John and Stasi Eldredge. There are a lot of metaphors used to describe our relationship with God, but the most intimate, the most personal, is that of the bride and the bridegroom. This week, I began to see this as a real relationship. God really does love me, and He is constantly proving it to me. Daily He surrounds me with things that stir my heart –the sun on Phantom Lake, a good book, the smell right before rain. Just as in Hosea 2:14, He is alluring me, leading me into the desert and speaking tenderly to me. The more I become aware of this pursuing, the more I fall in love with the One who knows the deepest desires of my heart.

Lesson 3: God is a healer of wounds.

                I mean this both literally and figuratively. Early in the week I burned my hand as I attempted to put a hot pan into the sink. As I continued to clean up after that meal, it became more and more difficult to tolerate water of any temperature or to fully flex the muscles of that hand. I sent out a tweet, asking my followers to pray for healing and sent up a quick prayer myself. In typical miraculous fashion, God’s healing hand was holding mine and by the end of the day the burn was no longer affecting my job performance. But this week I also learned firsthand that the Lord is capable of healing much deeper wounds. Recently I had been feeling convicted about a secret I kept from my mom for six years. I understood that it was important for our relationship that I finally open up and let her in on this dark piece of my story. The secret had been a significant wound for me. Giving it away to my mom and trusting the Lord for forgiveness and grace allowed healing to finally come. He placed that conviction on my heart because He knew it was time to start stitching up the broken things.

How you can be praying this week: Please pray for endurance to power through my last week at Phantom Ranch. Pray also for the high school campers I will be counseling this week during the SuperTeen session. May the Holy Spirit open their hearts to receive a message of unending love and amazing grace.

"To know Christ and to make Him known."

Five Weeks at Phantom Ranch -Week 3

For my second week as a counselor at PRBC, I stayed with 11 girls ranging from 3^rd-5^th grade. While this Adventurers session wasn’t as physically demanding as last week’s YoungTeen session, I was still putting forth a huge amount of energy. For one week I took on the roles of mother and big sister. It was a lot of responsibility, and it was a lot of fun.

Lesson 1: Young kids can be brutally honest.

                At times it seemed like my campers didn’t have a filter. They would be completely honest without considering how it would make other people feel. One particular camper was quick to point out that I have acne, some camp rules are stupid, and some campers get more attention than others. Sometimes the honesty of these kids can be harsh and hurtful, but it can also be a great quality. When Sara (my co-counselor) and I did one-on-one interviews with our campers Friday night, we found that so many of them were willing to say exactly what they were feeling. Knowing that they were being completely honest with us allowed us to truly evaluate how much each camper learned throughout the week. I could see that some of them were genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship with God, and it was a huge encouragement for me.

Lesson 2: Memorizing Scripture is important.

                I used to think that memorizing Bible verses was super hard and I didn’t really see how it was relevant in a culture that has the internet literally at its fingertips. But as I watched one of my campers memorize 25 verses this week, I started to change my mind. This girl was only nine years old and it seemed as though she knew more of the Bible than I do. Not only that, but she was enthusiastic about it. So this week I made an effort to memorize each of the daily memory verses that are required of the campers and I found myself referring back to them in conversations I had throughout the day. I didn’t have to pull up the internet to find the right words, because God’s words were hidden in my heart.

How you can be praying this week: Praise God for each camper and the relationships that were formed. Pray that the seeds that were planted this week might continue to grow and that the girls would keep seeking the Lord. Please pray for rest as I recover from two weeks of counseling and prepare for SuperTeen week at the end of the month.

“To know Christ and to make Him known.”

Five Weeks at Phantom Ranch -Week 2

This week was my first week as a counselor at PRBC. I stayed in a cabin with another counselor and 12 middle school girls. It was a very high energy group that brought a lot of fun, but also a lot of challenges. Here are some lessons I learned this week.

Lesson 1: God answers prayer.

                By Thursday, Katelyn (my co-counselor) and I were getting a little discouraged that we hadn’t seen any significant changes in our campers. We knew that it was possible God was just using this time to plant a seed, but it was still a little frustrating. We both prayed about what we had been feeling, and 10 minutes later two campers came into our room. They said that they wanted to reconnect with Christ and asked if we would pray with them. Right then and there, they dedicated their lives to Him. PTL!

Lesson 2: Devotional time is important.

                When I’m in a bad mood, the answer isn’t always to have more me time, but to have more God time. I am the definition of an introvert. It’s hard to be around people for significant amounts of time and I feel better when I can just be alone for awhile. You don’t get that opportunity as a counselor. Every minute of my day was spent with my campers or in meetings with fellow staff members. When my energy got drained very early in the week and I found myself desperately desiring alone time, I chose to do devotions instead. I discovered that I became much more energized from 10 minutes of reading the Bible than I would from a 30 minute nap.

Lesson 3: Kids require a lot of attention, motivation, and encouragement.

                Sometimes they want to talk to you, sometimes they just want to be around you, but every camper wants to feel like they are important to you. One camper in particular needed that a little more than the others. Throughout the week, Katelyn and I noticed that she hadn’t been connecting with any of the other kids and got frustrated quickly when things didn’t go according to plan. We had also heard her make a few harsh comments about herself. Toward the end of the week, there were a couple emotional breakdowns which resulted in tears, locking herself in a bathroom, several private talks with the counselors, and a long talk with the session director. This camper was clearly having a hard time handling stress and change, and it took a lot of patience, encouragement, and one-on-one time to get her to start enjoying her time at camp.

How you can be praying this week:

                Please pray for continued growth for all of my YoungTeen campers. Praise God for the life commitments that were made. Ask God to give my challenging camper extra encouragement now that she’s back at home. Finally, pray for the 3-5 grade girls I will be counseling this coming week.

“To know Christ and to make Him known.”

Five Weeks at Phantom Ranch -Week 1

For my first week as an employee at Phantom Ranch Bible Camp, I was scheduled to be on dish crew. About 9 hours of each day was spent handling the dishes of roughly 250 campers and staff. This meant wiping tables, putting out place settings, filling pitchers of water and juice, putting food on the tables, washing the campers’ dishes, washing the kitchen staff’s pots and pans, wiping tables again, sweeping, mopping, and taking out garbage. All of that, three times a day. Despite being stuck in front of a sink for a week, I learned a few lessons.

Lesson 1: Women belong in the kitchen.

            I’m kidding, but Grant VandeZande would say that spending a week in a kitchen was me learning my place in the world.

Lesson 2: My high maintenance habits are unnecessary.

            I haven’t straightened my hair or put on makeup for five days in a row. I’m pretty sure that’s a record for me. And guess what? It didn’t matter. People still wanted to talk to me and be around me, even though I didn’t look fantastic.

Lesson 3: Discouragement is the devil’s most useful tool.

             During my devotions this week, a common theme seemed to be discouragement. One of my favorites was Numbers 21:4-9, which talked about the Israelites complaining to Moses about being tired and hungry. Instead of focusing on God’s promise, they got distracted by their circumstances and became discouraged. When I get into high stress situations, I tend to become frustrated and that ultimately affects how I react to the people around me and to God. Having read this very early in the week, I was able to remind myself every day of God’s promises and to focus on Him rather than on the chaos around me. In the end, this allowed me to get closer to my crew members and to praise God for the work that was done.

Lesson 4: My fears are really just trust issues.

            Coming into this week, I was terrified. I had a lot of anxiety about being in a new place and taking on big responsibilities. Although I was just on dish crew this week, I kept thinking about the upcoming weeks of counseling and panicking. I was nervous that I would fail, that the campers wouldn’t respect me, that I would lose my temper, not know how to handle homesick campers, forget some important piece of clothing at home, or any number of things like that. While I was mopping on Thursday, I felt the Lord very clearly convicting me. I felt Him saying to me, “You don’t think I can handle this? Don’t you know who I am?” I realized that my problem wasn’t being afraid of failing, but simply being unwilling to fully trust God. It’s not my responsibility to bring every camper to Christ; that’s His job. I’m just helping to clear the way and I have to trust that God is going to pull through.

            That being said, I’m really looking forward to the next four weeks. I’ve grown pretty close to some of the staff members here and I’d love to watch those friendships go even deeper. I’m excited for all of the campers I’ll come in contact with and for the conversations we’ll have. I’m already praying for those kids and I hope you will too. Furthermore, I can’t wait to see what other lessons God has in store for me as I continue this adventure. Stay tuned for more next week!

"To know Christ and to make Him known."

A Safe Ship

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built.” I’ve really been struggling to put this into practice lately.

                I’m going to be working at a bible camp this summer and it’s bringing up a lot of mixed emotions. As someone who plans on majoring in children’s ministry, working with kids in a Christian environment for an entire month is great experience. I should also be excited to work alongside people my age who have a heart for God’s kingdom.

                But the truth is that I’m not excited. I’m scared. I don’t want to have to leave Waupun again just to find myself in an unfamiliar place with people I’ve never met. I’m afraid of wasting my time, of not making friendships, of failing to have any impact on the kids.

                I named my blog Hurricane and Harbor because I’ve always been able to see and feel the contrast of safety vs. danger, good vs. evil. But I’m starting to realize that being safe in the harbor isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. God has poured a lot of time and effort into making me the person that I am today. He has carefully crafted this vessel with His own hands.  I was made to venture out, to discover new things, to be tested in the waters.  What a waste not to leave the shore!

                Not only is it a waste, it’s selfish on my part. I have been prepared for this moment in my life, through youth group, mentorship, and college. It has always been God’s intention for me to serve at this camp. Instead, I’ve tried choosing to ignore it all and stay home. I’ve decided that my fear is a good enough reason to ignore God’s will. What a selfish beast of a thing inside of me to say that my comfort is more important than the plans of the Lord!

                So this summer I’ll leave the harbor. Right now the water looks rough, but I’m hopeful that it will be rewarding. I’ll try to keep you updated on the adventure and all the work that God is sure to continue performing on this less-than-perfect ship. Anchors away.

Something Like Hope

I woke up in a good mood

And I can’t decide if it’s the sun or you.

All I know is that when I look skyward

I feel something like hope.

There are flowers on the hillside

And a sparkle in your brown eyes.

I could spend forever in this landscape

That never gets old.

If the weather is any indication

Of the future situation,

Both the river and my tears

Will soon dry up.

But for now I’m still unsure

Although the breeze is warm and pure,

So if you just hold my hand

That’d be enough.

A Diction Addiction

If my mind was a book, it would be old and leather-bound. The spine would be cracked and the pages worn and yellowed. It would be thicker than War and Peace with smaller print than the Bible. There would be an entire chapter devoted to the lyrics of Brand New, and another for every poem I wrote during my sophomore year of high school. You would find it shelved next to the encyclopedias, across the aisle from biographies of presidents and dead movie stars.

I’m addicted to words. Seriously, I eat them up. I could stay awake for days fueled by nothing but coffee and my love of language. I spend my free time pouring over books and blogs and lyrics. I have notebooks and Word files filled with my favorite lines. I quote Mean Girls and Juno daily and about 95% of my Facebook statuses are lyrics. I repeat Bible verses over and over in my head, and then I’ll write them on notecards and hang them up. I often find that the best way God reveals Himself for me is through short, powerful phrases. I want to work my way through a dictionary and memorize a thesaurus, and when all of those words run out, I want to make more.

                I live for conversations with my best friend over a slice of pie and a cup of coffee. I look forward to the day when I’ll be able to sit on the couch with my husband and just talk about the day. I sit in the dark, letting lyrics fill my head. In the summer, I will walk to the library and stay there until I have finished reading a novel.

                I see grace in margins and love in punctuation. I feel comfort in consonants and energy in vowels. I think there is something beautiful in putting words to emotion. It’s okay to feel something, but I can’t deal with it, can’t fix it, until I can describe it. I want to understand my life in some tangible way. I want to hear it whispered in prayers or see it scribbled in composition notebooks. So if you ever want to get to know me, all you have to do is ask and I’ll open up like a book. And my hope is that someday you’ll let me read you too.

9 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Finals Week

*Submitted by real college students, studying for real finals, and suffering from real sleep deprivation.

1. We’re out of coffee. We have four more days of exams left and you’re telling me we’re out of coffee? How do you expect me to function? Next semester we’re rationing it off to make it last.

2. Your alarm. Didn’t I just get to sleep an hour ago? …5…more…minutes…

3. Stop procrastinating. Excuse me? You have no idea how fried my brain is right now. Add to that the fact that when the temperature went up, my motivation levels went down. So shut up and let me play CityVille.

4. Cumulative. Because testing us on stuff we don’t know just one time isn’t enough.

5. You look tired. It couldn’t be because I’ve been up until 4am for the last 3 nights writing papers and studying for exams, could it?

6. 50% of your grade. In other words, this one test could be the difference between passing and failing the class. No big deal.

7. Late-Night Waybright is cancelled. Noooooo! Where will I go when I want food at midnight?

8. Can I look at your notes? You haven’t been in class all year and you want to benefit from my hard work? Good joke.

9. I don’t believe in extra credit. That’s like your prof saying, “Yeah, I see you flailing your limbs as you drown, but I’m not going to throw you a life preserver.”

Neverland

I wrote this in November/December of my senior year. It's been a constant reminder for me of how much I've grown up.

I walked in with no intentions of ever leaving
Because everyone knows when you grow up you stop believing
I found all the strength I needed in you
I gave my all and you gave yours too
Inevitable, the future is unwinding
Fear takes the place of the hope we've been finding
Could we stop this change for just awhile
Escape the ticking crocodile

There's a place where imagination unfolds
Where Peter Pan never has to grow old
There's a place where time stands still
Lost boys refuse to be men so they never will
Let's pretend it's not all in my mind
Pack up and leave this town behind
Run away and meet me there tonight
Second star to the right

We're just kids forced to grow up too soon
Too big of an imagination for these tiny rooms
Wendy felt it, now I'm feeling it too
But I'm finding all the strenght I need in you
Everything's spinning as we're trying to stand
With our hearts still anchored in Neverland
Could we stop this change for just awhile
Escape the ticking crocodile

There's a place where imagination unfolds
Where Peter Pan never has to grow old
There's a place where time stands still
Lost boys refuse to be men so they never will
Let's pretend it's not all in my mind
Pack up and leave this town behind
Run away and meet me there tonight
Second star to the right

Well let's see them try
Try to take our wings and tell us not to fly
It's hard walking blindly into a future we can't trust
Sometimes everyone needs a little pixie dust

There's a place where imagination unfolds
Where Peter Pan never has to grow old
There's a place where time stands still
Lost boys refuse to be men so they never will
Let's pretend it's not all in my mind
There's a place where imagination unfolds
Where Peter Pan never has to grow old
There's a place where time stands still
Lost boys refuse to be men so they never will
Let's pretend it's not all in my mind
Pack up and leave this town behind
Run away and meet me there tonight
Second star to the right

I'll walk through these doors one last time
But I'll keep a piece of Neverland inside

Taylor

“If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song.”

-The Band Perry

It’s been a little over three months, so I figure it’s about time I tell the story of Taylor Lackey and what she meant to me.

I used to babysit Taylor. She was 9, I was 13. We didn’t talk a lot; at that point in our lives, we were both a bit shy. I don’t know if she was only shy around me or if it was something she eventually grew out of, but that’s how things were at the time. I remember the nickname Tater Tot and sometimes I wonder if anyone else ever called her that. I remember playing Neopets and Bratz dolls and watching Degrassi and Ed, Edd, and Eddy. I remember sometimes Tay would start feeling sick and she’d ask for her mom, and I remember feeling frustrated because I didn’t know how to comfort her. Her Facebook page says that her mom meant the world to her, so I imagine that even when she got older Taylor still looked to her mother for comfort.

                I’ve learned a lot about who Taylor was as a fourteen year old from her Facebook page –from the pictures, her info page, and her friends’ posts. I found out that Taylor loved to write and was passionate about music. I learned that she hated conflict and believed in peace and God. She loved to have a good time and knew how to make people laugh. I learned that she had big plans for her future. She wanted to do well in high school, get into college, and become a journalist. Despite those plans, she worried about the future and how she would turn out.

                I remember when Taylor died. It’s hard to forget when it plays over and over in my head like a bad movie. I was at home in Waupun, it was two days after Christmas, it was around noon, and I was watching YouTube videos in bed. My mom had gone on a call as an EMT earlier that morning and when I saw that she was calling me I assumed she was going to ask me to meet her for lunch. Instead, she sounded as though she had been crying. She started off by saying that she had something to tell me that she didn’t want me to find out from anyone else. She asked if I remembered Taylor Lackey and suddenly I became choked up. Mom explained that Taylor had been in a car accident that morning and that she had passed away. The tears were instant. We wrapped up the conversation and I shut myself in the bathroom for a couple minutes so that I could cry alone. For the rest of the afternoon I sat in bed watching the news spread across Facebook, staring at Tay’s page in utter disbelief. The next two days I spent a lot of time in bed.

                Those two days in bed I tried to remember everything I could about Taylor and I attempted to understand why her death in particular was hitting me so hard. My freshman year of high school a senior, Mike Smits, died. I cried a little bit when I found out just because I felt like I never got a chance to know him, but it was pretty easy for me to get past that. With Taylor it wasn’t so easy. I felt like those nights I spent babysitting her gave us some sort of connection. I felt like I was losing someone I thought I knew, only to find out that I didn’t really know her and now it was too late.

                By the end of those two days, I was exhausted. In the four months leading up to that tragic December morning, I had been struggling with depression. My first semester of college had shaken up my life. I felt confused, lonely, stressed, and altogether unhappy. But Tay’s death changed all of that. I read a C.S. Lewis quote once that said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” God was shouting to me in my pain. It was like someone was screaming, “Look at Taylor. She was living life and now she can’t. You’re the one who’s still alive and you’ve been walking around feeling sorry for yourself. Knock it off. Go out and live.”  After that I told myself that I would start living. Every day since then I wake up and make a conscious decision to appreciate all that I am and all that I’ve been given. I’ve relearned how to love life because that’s what Taylor did. Although I’m sure a lot of people still question why God took such a beautiful girl so young, I know that there’s a purpose in it. I’ve seen it.

Burn Out Brighter

I know the night is closing in,
And you're scared of dark and cold and wind,
But darling, don't burn out on me.

Your light is brighter than you know.
You're guiding me so let it show.
Darling, don't burn out on me.

If, perhaps, it isn't clear,
Come to me; I'll be your mirror.
Darling, I'll reflect the glow.

If you find something bright in me,
It's not my light at all you see.
Darling, I'm reflecting your glow.

Major Change

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” –Matthew 16:24

From the time I was in fifth grade, I knew what the plan was. Even at that age, I knew I would always want to be a psychologist. As the years went by, the dream didn’t change; the plan just got more precise. I would go to college (a lot of college…at least eight years of it), get an internship, get a job as  a psychologist in a large office building, make lots of money, and live comfortably. I remember hearing someone say, “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans,” but I was convinced that this wasn’t just my plan, but His plan too.

With my entire future seemingly set out before me, it came as a surprise to a lot of people (to myself as well) when I switched my major at the end of my first semester of undergrad. I decided to drop psychology in order to pursue a degree in Christian ministry. Don’t get me wrong; my family was incredibly happy and supportive of my decision, but now there were a lot of questions to be answered. With psychology, I knew exactly what I wanted and everything was figured out. So a lot of people had a hard time understanding this switch. They pointed out that there didn’t seem to be as many jobs in children’s ministry, the pay wasn’t as good, and asked why I would give up my dream. The only thing I can say in response is that when God tells you to do something, you listen.

Since so many people have asked, I thought I’d finally sit down and unpack the reason behind my change of major. The short and simple answer is that I felt God calling me to ministry, and that’s the answer I give everyone. It was really a move that didn’t require much thought on my part. I don’t remember the exact day, and I don’t remember the exact instant, but I know that God spoke to me. I don’t remember what I had been doing at the time, but suddenly I was consumed with just one thought: I should go into children’s ministry.  That’s how it happened. Right in that moment the decision was made. I remember walking to my dorm room and thinking that this meant I would have to give up psychology, and I felt a little mournful at the loss of my dream. For the second time that day, God spoke to me and said, “You want to follow me? Okay, give up everything.” With that revelation, I knew that if I wanted to really trust in God and follow His plan for my life, I had to be willing to sacrifice some things, including the dream I had had since elementary school.

So that’s my story, but it’s not just my story. It’s a story of God calling his people to follow, a story of putting down nets and getting out of the boat, a story of denying self and taking up a cross. Because when God tells you to do something, you listen.