Here I Raise My Ebenezer

In 1 Samuel 7, Samuel cries out to the Lord on behalf of the Israelites, asking Him to rescue them from the Philistines. With “loud thunder,” the Lord stirs the Philistines right into the path of the Israelites, where Samuel and his people are finally able to find victory over their enemies. In response to this, Samuel sets a stone in the road, naming it Ebenezer and proclaiming, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” He establishes this stone as a visual reminder for the Israelites of God’s power, faithfulness, and mercy. He didn't want them to forget.

                Maybe I ought to raise my own Ebenezer stone. I don’t ever want to forget what the Lord has done for me. I want to remember the ways in which He has been faithful and merciful. I want to recall the ways He has saved me and healed me. Right here, right now, I want to call out some of the countless encounters I have had with the Lord who helps.

                The Lord Jesus Christ took my sins upon His shoulders and died for my salvation. The Lord has loved me even when I did not love myself. The Lord has gracefully carried me through times of death and divorce. The Lord has delivered me from the grip of depression. The Lord has provided the means for me to attend a Christian school. The Lord has driven out my anxiety and replaced it with His peace. The Lord has blessed me with a supportive family who chooses to see the best in me. The Lord has replaced my old, jealous heart with a new, compassionate heart. The Lord has taken me from fear of the future to hope for the future. The Lord has given me the capacity to learn and absorb. The Lord has humbled me by putting me in positions of leadership for which I did not feel equipped. The Lord has gifted me with encouragement, faith, and mercy. The Lord has led me to repentance. The Lord has led me to forgive those who have hurt me. The Lord has spoken to me. The Lord has called me His daughter. The Lord has held me close in times of loneliness. The Lord has brought me to this place.

                So here I raise my Ebenezer and loudly proclaim, “Thus far the Lord has helped me.”

Don't Let These Waves Wash Away Your Hopes

WOODEN HEART (sea of mist called skaidan)

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts
we all have the same holes in our hearts...
everything falls apart at the exact same time
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric
shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because our church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

From Hurricane to Harbor

Some days I look in the mirror and I can’t believe I am here. I can’t believe I got this far. I think of the girl I was in 8th grade and how many nights I literally wanted to die. I think of the comments I received about my weight in high school. I think of the person I was my freshman year of college, depressed and afraid to get out of bed. I think of all the nightmares that have plagued me my entire life.

And then I think about the last twelve months. I have been free from depression. I have begun to view my body positively. I haven’t had a nightmare in months. I am gaining confidence and people are recognizing my potential. I am at a school that I love, majoring in a subject that is close to my heart. I am in a relationship with someone who cares for me and makes me view life differently.

I can’t believe I am here. I still can’t believe I got this far.