Be All There

“Wherever you are, be all there.”

I am teaching myself to be fully present each moment. To not rush through the moments, the minutes, the days, the seasons. To believe that the next moment is not guaranteed, but there is this moment.

So I don’t hurry to arrive early to class. I take time to notice sunlight through golden leaves.

So I don’t check my phone habitually. I appreciate the people in front of me and I laugh with them.

So I don’t anxiously speed read the textbooks. I soak up what I can and thank God I get to learn about something I love.

So I don’t dread the moment the sleeping baby wakes up. I hold her and watch her smile at her dreams.

So I don’t stuff down the feelings. I let myself feel it all, the disappointment and the joy.

When I am fully present in the moments, life becomes full of moments, and that sounds like life abundant to me. My life is FULL, and I am thankFULL.

Riding the Wind

I am loving this blustery day.

I see falling leaves, and the spinning seems more like riding the wind than chaos. Maybe because I’ve stopped thinking of life’s turns as a loss of control and started letting myself be carried along.

Because the idea that I can control everything is an illusion, one I use sometimes when I need to feel secure.

But I don’t want to be a leaf that fears leaving the tree so much that the natural descent to the ground feels like spinning out of control.

I want to be a leaf that knows the seasons change and doesn’t fear the fall. A leaf that dances all the way down, swirling and spinning because this is exactly where I’m supposed to be so I might as well enjoy it.

Identify

Next Sunday I’m going to walk into Lake Michigan, fully clothed, and be dunked under the water. There will be some clapping, maybe some shouting, and then I’ll walk back to shore.

I’m going to be baptized.

This may be confusing to some who have known me for a while. I made a commitment to Christ eight years ago and have been actively pursuing a life of discipleship and ministry for the last four. Why get baptized now?

Eight years ago, I didn’t think it was necessary for me to be re-baptized. After all, I had been baptized as an infant. So it never crossed my mind.

The fact that I am now being baptized does not mean that the decision I made eight years ago wasn’t the real thing. Baptism doesn’t provide me with salvation, but it publicly identifies me as a believer. Marriage is a commitment made visible by the exchanging of rings, and so my commitment to trust Christ as my Savior is about to be made visible by my immersion in the water.

Let me be perfectly clear. I’m choosing baptism now because I want there to be no question about who I am and whose I am. My baptism is a public declaration that I believe in the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I am a new creation. The old has gone; the new has come!

“Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.”   Romans 6:1-11

Brittany

Testify

As a young teen, I was weighed down by feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, and bouts of depression. Not knowing how to cope with these feelings, I would cut myself to release some of the tension I was feeling. I felt trapped in my own mind, not knowing who to talk to or even how to talk about what I was going through.

At the time my family didn’t go to church a lot, but I had a friend who did. She invited me to her youth group, and it was there that I heard the gospel of a God who loved me and sent His son to die for my sin, releasing me from the grips death. I learned that this same God knew all about me and wanted to love me and lead me. In December of 2006, my freshman year of high school, I accepted Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.

Shortly after that, my family decided to start going to church regularly. I learned how to talk about what I was feeling and spent a lot of time in prayer and journaling. I stopped cutting, but the depression is something I would wrestle with for years. Becoming a Christian didn’t mean that my life was instantly easy, but it meant that I had a hope to hold on to and a God who listened to my cries. Each day I had to choose to put my hope in Him again and again.

Today God is still working in me, sanctifying me and preparing me for a life of ministry. In a French village He spoke to me, saying, “Be like the sunflower, forever seeking my face.” That’s exactly what I plan to do for the rest of my life and for eternity.

Abundantly, As From The Deep

I have been back at Trinity for almost a week now, and already I am being called into places of deeper trust. Mostly this trust is being required of me in areas of finance and provision. I made it a goal this summer to take steps toward financial peace and, in general, better money management. I knew it would require trust in God’s faithfulness in order to practice giving as the first priority with my money. But then it hit me. Hard. How do I practice trust and giving when I have next to nothing? When, in fact, I am actually starting with a negative balance.

Here is the reality of my situation:
I have about $20 left on my credit card for groceries. I owe some people quite a bit of money. I don’t get paid for another two weeks. On top of that, I need to replace two tires on my car.

This, also, is reality:
I have a Father who knows what I need. A Father who sustains life. A Father who gives good gifts. And I can count on my Father’s faithfulness.

This I also know:
He has given me the gift of faith, so I firmly believe that He will provide for me. Even more than that, I have faith that He will provide abundantly. Because He fed 5,000 and there were leftovers. Because the widow’s flour and oil was renewed every day. Because He loves to give me good things. Because He is unlimited. And because He is the God who looked at nothing, spoke to it, and created everything.

So yeah, I still trust Him. And because He gives generously, I will also give generously.

“He split rocks in the wilderness and gave them drink abundantly as from the deep.” – Psalm 78:15

When It Doesn’t Look Like It Should

I graduated from college two weeks ago. And anyone who has been there knows the question that undoubtedly comes after: “So what’s next for you?”

If I did all of the things I was supposed to, if I had all my things together, if I followed the plan the answer to that question would be pretty easy, respectable, maybe even impressive. I would probably say something about landing the perfect entry-level job in my field or getting a great internship for the summer that will prepare me for graduate studies in the fall.

Instead, I get to admit that I spent this week moving furniture, counting mattresses, and picking up garbage on campus.

Not exactly the answer you’d expect.

But this works for me. This is what my life looks like for this season. And I’m working on being okay with that and not comparing my progress to the progress of everyone around me. I’m working on celebrating with those who have their post-grad plans lined up, and I’m working on accepting that not knowing is totally normal.

There are people who have things figured out more than I do. And that’s okay.

There are people who have things figured out less than I do. That’s okay too.

I am in this place for a season, and this season has a purpose. God’s got a plan for it all and maybe He will choose to reveal it to me, maybe He won’t. But I trust that He is still good and He still knows what He is doing, even when I don’t.

“In the hands of our Redeemer, nothing is wasted.”

Shake Your Mane

“Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bears his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
-The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

It’s been a hard winter
Shake your mane

Five long months of
Heavy snow, biting wind
Shake your mane

Schools close
Roads slow
Boughs break
Shake your mane

Tears don’t flow
They freeze
Holding cold hands
Joints crack like pavement
Shake your mane

For Brittany, Four Years Ago

In this life you will have pain
You will want to sleep
You will want to close your eyes
Wake up, keep them open

Remember that beautiful things spring forth
From cracked earth, cracked jars, cracked hearts
You will want to be awake to see them
You will wonder with eyes wide

Spring Came

 

My heart was so heavy with winter, but Spring came.
My hands were frozen in writer’s block, but Spring came.

Spring came, and the Sunflowers turned their heads
To face the Lion who had just shaken his mane.

Spring came.

A Walk with Papa

“Remember that on this walk together, where we are going is a surprise, a secret that only I know. At times on this walk you will not see me. Remember that I am still with you. Trust my voice to instruct you in the way you should go. I know where I am leading you; trust me. I do not leash you or bridle you, forcing you along. No, I desire that you would follow me, walk with me, willingly as one who loves and trusts me. You can trust me, Brittany.”

We Shall Have Spring Again

“Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bears his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
-The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

It seems that winter has decided to stay for a while. I am so tired of the bitter cold. So done with snow and ice. So over hard, dead ground.

Let the roaring lion shake his mane and shake the snow from these limbs.

A Quiet Afternoon

A quiet afternoon
Old sweater, steady snow
A blanket for cold skin and raw earth
Insulated, undisturbed
Open arms, bitter wind
An invitation to come in

Fall Gently, Lightly

Fall gently, lightly
Not like crashing, breaking glass
Like dust settling in a room
Quiet even when stirred

Fall gently, lightly
Not like heavy, driving rain
Like a soft afternoon snow
A call to slow down

Fall gently, lightly
Not like painful, gasping breath
Like a sleepy exhale
Natural in its rhythm